Confronted with the truth of ourselves, we see all of our successes and failures to access and understand if we really are the person we think we are.
I had come to the most intense feeling of failure I have ever experienced in my life. Until that point, I had never experienced anything dark. I could not sleep, I could not eat, and I had lost interest in everything.
It wasn’t about the person. Nor was it about being rejected, specifically. It was what I had given up to be in the place where I had been brought to. It was about me and probably my lack of boundaries.
It was the culmination of wasting 5 years of my life proving to an industry that never cared if they supported a corrupt method of tax-free, non-profit yoga credentialing…
Yoga teacher credentialing superficially places greater importance on popular “social ego credentialing,” than on making an educated stand for yoga teachers… so they might make more money. It is a top down economy where people are placed on pedestals as spiritual Deities. It is a facade and a profitable one, too.
Even though I had supporters, I never had financial help. I fronted the entire bill myself because I felt if I accepted other people’s money, I would have to make them happy, maybe. It was a really stupid decision. I was below the poverty line for every year I did Yoganomics, between the years 2009 – 2014.
I had no choice to let it all go and attempt to rejoin life…but it was too late.
Under Richard Karpel, Yoga Alliance had reached out to me more than once and wanted “smooth” the waters. Yet, they incorrectly tried to say I had broken my word, when in fact, I caught them lying again and again.
Success and failure are two sides of the same coin, that is both completely interchangeable. They depend on one’s own perspective. What someone sees as my failure taught me an awful lot about what I was capable of as a person. I found out what true friendship was, that some lawyers are not only great people – they help you navigate tax returns. When multiple employees and ex-employees contact you, the adrenaline coursed through my veins. I had no choice but to follow where I was being led. Pitted against an entire organization that I still feel is completely misaligned. This changed me as a person, it altered the entire course of my entire life… for the better.
In hindsight, I can only see the world from my own perspective and assess my life according to the actions I have taken.
I have tried to make my own way and for one reason or another, I repeatedly have failed. I must accept that. Maybe I asked the wrong questions, maybe I should have worked harder or trusted some process I was unaware of, but I didn’t. Maybe I asked the wrong questions, maybe I should have worked harder or trusted the process more, or maybe I shouldn’t have trusted people to do what they said they were going to do. Those are the breaks.
The reasons don’t matter anymore because it got to the point where I consciously knew I was ruining my own life, fighting a war that no one cared about. I can only see who is staring back at me through in the reflection of my life. The only person I see is me.
Failure takes its pound of flesh, the piece of who you once were and rips the scar tissue from around your heart till your old wounds are reinforced by your own mortality.
I was forced to look at the story I told myself over and over again until I could see the finality of what I was reflecting.
I needed to know the story I told myself was more than just a past vision. I needed to acknowledge my broken life and mourn the time I lost, and then choose to either surrender to the truth or continue to lie to myself that I could change a system that isn’t asking to change, nor wants to change.
I still feel angry about it. Should of…could of…would of.
If I had to do all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Do we move past the pain? No, we learn to live with it.