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Navigating Self Identity C

Self Identity | Brian Castellani

Are we really who we think we are?

I had come to the most intense feeling of failure I have ever experienced in my life. Until that point, I had never experienced anything dark.  I could not sleep, I could not eat, and I had lost interest in everything.

It wasn’t about the person. Nor was it about being rejected, specifically.  It was about where I had been brought to.  It was about me.

It was the culmination of wasting 5 years of my life proving to an industry that never cared if they supported a corrupt method of tax free, non-profit yoga credentialing… I cared.

Yoga teacher credentialing superficially places greater importance on popular “social ego credentialing,” than on making an educated stand for yoga teachers… so they might make more money.   It is a facade, and a profitable one that too, that too many people are invested in to let it go.  Plain and simple.

Even though I had supporters, I never had financial help.  I fronted the entire bill myself.  I was below the poverty line for every year I did Yoganomics, between the years 2009 – 2014.

I had no choice to let it all go and attempt to rejoin life…but it was too late.

Under Richard Karpel, Yoga Alliance had reached out to me more than once, and wanted “smooth” the waters.  Yet, they incorrectly tried to say I had broken my word, when in fact, I caught them lying again and again.

Success and failure are two sides of the same coin, that are both completely interchangeable. They depend on  one’s own perspective.

In hindsight, I can only see the world from my own perspective and assess my life according to the actions I have taken.

I have repeatedly tried to make my own way and repeatedly have failed.  Maybe I asked the wrong questions, maybe I should have worked harder or trusted the process more, or maybe I shouldn’t have trusted people to do what they said they were going to do.  

I can only see who is staring back at me through in the reflection of my life.  The only person I see is me.

Failure takes a little piece of who you once were and rips the scar tissue from your old wounds to reinforce your own mortality.

Confronted with the truth of ourselves, there is only our successes and our failures.  If we are honest with ourselves, we access if we are really who we think we are.

We are forced to look at the story we tell ourselves over and over again, until we see the finality of what we reflect.

I needed to know the story I was telling was more than just a past vision. I needed to acknowledge my broken heart, and mourn my life and the choose: either I surrender to the truth, or continue to lie to myself.

 

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